Journey To alignment
After many highs and lows in my entrepreneurial journey, I eventually came to a standstill. Filled with anxiety, it was as if everything fell apart so that I could start over, but this time from a place of alignment.
When I say everything fell apart I don't just mean with my business, my personal life too. Becoming a single parent to 3 beautiful but very wild boys wasn't easy, not only did I lose the future I saw for myself and my family but my creativity, passion, drive, enthusiasm, energy, motivation all went with it and instead was replaced with dread, fear, anxiety, despair, loneliness and a wondering of what the hell I was going to do.
Being broke, alone and facing the gnarly truths that I had conveniently pushed to the side and ignored for years all came to the surface in one fail swoop. Feeling like a complete failure and with the mounting pressure of not only caring for my own broken wings but being a single mother to my 3 young children all became too much.
The walls were closing in fast and I felt like I couldn't catch my breath, energy depleted and wanting to give up on life I had to make a choice...
Give up on life OR give in to it.
I remember standing in my kitchen, with the same conversation playing over in my head "What are you going to do now?" "How could you get yourself into this situation?" "You can't keep asking people for help, everyone is too busy, you have to go this alone." "You made your bed now lay in it" "You really thought you were going to make something of yourself, just give up now" "You have no friends, you have no support, life's always going to be a struggle just deal with it."
Crying into my cereal, crying in the shower and crying myself to sleep had become pretty normal at this point, more like a way of life. Looking back now I realise I needed the release, years of pent up emotions all came flooding out, literally. Only I was still beating myself up for crying so much, telling myself I was an awful parent and a useless person. My ego was doing a stellar job and the vicious cycle continued.
I didn't know at the time but I had been thinking this way for years, the negative chatter ran the show and the knot of anxiety in my stomach and constant feeling of impending doom had become the norm. Which now I can see played it's part in my choosing unsuitable relationships, unhealthy lifestyle choices and creating then giving up on business that had potential. It's like I would stop myself in my tracks when the negative chatter became too loud and just quit on whatever wasn't working. I didn't know I had control over my thoughts and emotions. I thought my thoughts were things that just happened to me and that this was just the way I was wired, it's who I was and I had to live with it.
Chronic negative chatter wears you down and makes you want to give up on life. I feel for anyone who experiences this, but I know it can be turned around easier and quicker than expected...
I don't remember the exact series of events that led to this moment I'm about to describe but I remember being at my worst - emotionally, physically and spiritually. My outside world reflected that too, I was living on crisis loans and emergency government funds because I had an extremely low income. I looked like I had aged 10 years, every day was a struggle just to figure out how to pay for tomorrow's meals for my family, my house was a mess and I was dragging myself through each moment of the day. As I write this I feel like it sounds so dramatic, I just want to be completely honest so that if you are reading this and can relate or know someone who can relate then hopefully it will give you some relief in knowing you're not alone and there is a way out of this way of thinking, your situation doesn't have to get as bad as mine did for you to start an upward, positive trend in your life.
My moment of relief happened when I stumbled across an Abraham Hicks video on Youtube. I had listened to the teaching of Abraham Hicks before but quite honestly I found it too complicated and the woman's voice Esther Hicks annoyed me (sorry Esther!) incase you're wondering Abraham Hicks and Esther Hicks are the same person. At that time in my life I just didn't have the desire to change my thinking or the awareness of how damaging my thought patterns were.
But this time when I heard the words of Abraham Hicks it was like a feeling of complete enlightenment, the weight lifted off of my shoulders, the tightening in my chest released and the knot in my stomach unravelled.
Her message was of self acceptance, forgiveness, empowerment and self love.
That it was OK to be where I was and that I had created that situation through a series of beliefs and thought patterns that I had been unconsciously practicing and repeating.
I went from feeling so helpless and hopeless to completely empowered with the knowledge that if I had created this mess then I too had the ability to completely turn it around.
Abraham Hicks explained in such vivid detail WHY I had always felt the way I did, WHY my life had transpired the way it had and HOW I could begin turning it around to start the positive upward trend in my life.
It was like the clouds had parted and the angels were singing. I could finally hear a voice in my own head that said I was worthy, I was perfect exactly how I was, I was a powerful, I was a creator, I was love, I did nothing wrong, I was doing the best I could, I was experiencing this for a reason, I was a person of value, I could find happiness and peace NOW. Everything was happening NOW. Anything that happened in the past meant nothing and the future didn't exist. All the existed was NOW and how I felt NOW and that I could CHOOSE to feel good.
You've found vibrational alignment with who you really are."
- Abraham Hicks
She explained the benefit of mediating (something I had always turned my nose up at, I thought it was boring and I didn't have the patience - oh how I was wrong! I've experience great joy, relief, satisfaction and guidance during my meditations).
She explained how being SELFISH was actually beneficial for everyone around me. Putting myself, my own needs, my own happiness FIRST is so important to be the best version of myself for those around me. Especially as a parent to 3 rowdy boys.
She taught me not to give a rip (in her own words) what other people think of me or what they are doing. What other people think of me has nothing to do with me and everything to do with them. :)
But most importantly she taught me that the relationship with myself is THE most important one I'll ever have and that it should be nurtured, appreciated and tended to above all others.
Self love is the order of the day, all day, every day and anything less just will not do.
Now I can happily say that I tend to that relationship every day.
Of course we have ups and downs, I say (or think) things I don't mean, I go against my own guidance in the pursuit of short term happiness, but since I decided to REALLY take care of ME my well being has become dominant, I no longer live in despair, in fear or anxiety.
I now purposefully think thoughts that FEEL good and benefit me. I act in ways that FEEL good and benefit me and I mostly live in a state of calm, peaceful knowing that I can handle anything because I create my own life experiences through the thoughts that I think and the way that I choose to feel.
As a result I have a steady but increasing flow of income, I have a fantastic relationship with my children and teach them what I have learned at every opportunity. I live an active lifestyle, I'm not afraid of being alone anymore - in fact I love it!
I have creative idea's flowing all the time that are in alignment with what makes me feel good NOW. I have boundaries in place with myself and others to protect my own well being, happiness and alignment.
Throughout this website I want to share it all with you. I know that if I'm experiencing something then many of you will be too and if any of my blog posts, techniques or processes can help you then it's my responsibility to share them with you.